27 June, 2011
I used to be a fan of requiring an IQ test before allowing people to have children. True, it will cut the amount of reality programming on television by at least half, but I think that the world will be a more drama-free place for it. It’s the greater good.
But then this afternoon, walking up 7th Avenue, I saw a couple pushing a stroller and I decided to revise my Breeding Prerequisites. I devised this simple questionnaire to determine how fit people are for parenthood.
FearOfSyndication Presents The Greater Good Parental Screening Test
1. Do you currently own a pair of shorts whose pockets extend below the “hem” of the shorts?
a. If yes, did you make them yourself or buy them that way?
b. If no, do you wish you did?
2. How long is your belly-button-bling?
a. .5″ – 1″
b. 1″ – 3″
c. 3″ +
3. Do you plan on wearing tube tops after your baby is born?
a. If yes, do you plan on wearing them before you’ve lost the baby weight?
b. If yes, do you acknowledge that you know how gross that looks?
4. For the health of the baby, are you willing to use less than 3 oz. of hair gel each day?
5. Will you continue to wear those enormous earrings, even though they’re so big that they could physically harm your baby?
6. Do you currently buy your clothes in the kid’s department because
a. they fit better?
b. they’re cuter?
c. they’re skankier?
d. you yourself are a child?
7. Do you plan on continuing to wear the top strap of your thong above the waist of your shorts, a la “the whale tail”?
For the Baby-Daddys
1. Do you wear more chains around your neck than the number of your age?
a. Do any of them have sports teams pendants on them?
2. For the health of the baby, are you willing to use less than 3 oz. of hair gel each day?
3. Where do you currently wear the waist of your jeans?
a. Around my waist
b. Around my butt
c. Around my thighs
d. Around my knees.
4. FOLLOW-UP: Do you realize that “busting a sag” went out in 1997?
5. Will you try to discourage your child from getting the same hideous tattoos that you have?
6. Have you completed puberty yet?
The responses to each questionnaire will be evaluated by a jury of me. Note that this questionnaire applies to hetero and homosexual couples, as bad taste, apparently, is universal.