On 9′ Ceilings

14 December, 2010

I’m learning that perhaps worse than losing a boyfriend is losing a 6′ tall handyman. Currently accepting applications for one or both positions.

Today’s Lesson: Every Time A Smoke Alarm Dings, An Angel Gets Its Wings.

Look, Ma, no broken bones!

Or, what to do when your smoke detector’s batteries are dying, and it chirps every sixty seconds to remind you of that, but there is precious little (no pun intended) that your 5’2″ self can do to reach the 9′ ceilings, except balance four throw pillows, a coffee table book on the Rolling Stones and part of a flimsy, discount-store bought ironing board (and yourself) atop what was once a patio furniture table and hope that you don’t end up in the emergency room.

Tomorrow’s Lesson: Changing Light Bulbs, Changing Lives.




Seriously, dude, I’m so over this whole thing. I wish your email account was, too.


My beloved ,

My name is Anita
i saw your contact today on my search for a nice person and decided to write to you,I hope to start a very
cordial and lasting friendly relationship with you that will be beneficial to
both of us in the nearest future.I will tell you more about myself and also send my
pictures to you after receiving your response.Please do not neglect a humble and lonely heart that seeks for your relationship.

Yours sincerely,

I wish I knew why I delight so in getting these strange, spammed email propositions for my friendship and affection.

Perhaps it’s because it is fun to believe that if such a thing existed, I would appear in search results for “a nice person.”

Or maybe it’s because I enjoy being addressed as “My beloved.”

It could also be that I am grateful to finally to meet in Anita another humble and lonely heart like mine.

But more likely, it’s the grammatical mistakes in these emails that charms me so.